Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Christmas 2005: Theotokos Eleousa

Taking a few rare moments to comment on the election, God Almighty quipped, “At first I thought it was just a rare election-cycle occurrence when asinine misogynist Todd Akin, who lost the Missouri Senate race to Clair McCaskill,” said,”

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Maybe Akin got ahold of some bad weed, I thought to myself.

“But then there was another, more egregious comment if that is even possible, when Mitt Romney, apparently unaware that the whole gazillion-dollar-a-plate dinner was being taped while most of America scraped cat hairs off food that they had dropped on the floor, Mitt Romney said, …”that 47 percent of Americans are dependent on government” and see themselves as “victims.”

” I called my Son and asked about the 47-percent-sure-to-lose-the-election comment: “I do say, my dear chap, I find this hard to believe.” And He said, “Aren’t those the same 47 of people in combat, the young, the old, the sick, and the people who paid more into social security that You or I have ever contributed together since Time began.” “Yup,” replied God. “Then, when Romney said something about killing the protected birds the likes of the Decorah Eagles, paving the Saguaro Desert for a WalMart to abuse more workers, and, just in general fucking up and drilling in Federal parks without even a backward glance while doing away with the likes of the FDA so even more people can die of agonizing fungal injections and listeria-tainted bagged lettuce from a factory that contained the likes of rat hairs, that was it for Me. So, he lost.”

“Not that Obama is much better than Romney, but I did phone Satan last night to discuss placement for folks with such ideas, and he told me he’d already put out a “No Vacancy” sign in Hell because he doesn’t have the resources to deal with such things, so now I am stuck with evils, the lesser of these evils and the things they say and do. People who ‘oops-shit’ and ‘America-fuck-yeah’ blow up wedding parties for no reason at all, by the way, are the lesser of two evils, believe it or not,” continued God, now on a roll. “Lesser or greater of evil or not, both presidential candidates seemed unconcerned with Hell because of, in My view anyway, their collective want to create Hell right here on Earth,” said God, now with tears in his eyes. He added, “The very Earth I created, to be cherished and respected and not no be turned into a fucking war-torn garbage heap.”

“And then…and then..” God, continued, red-faced and now pounding his fist on his Heavenly Table, said, “there’s this Mourdock freek, who lost in Indiana, if you don’t mind, said, and I quote, “After all, Mary was raped, so all rape is God’s will.”

” Then there was that grotesque miscreation Inhofe, who, balls-to-the-wall denies climate change while standing under (I swear) melting street lamps. Oh, no, there’s no global warming. It’s 80 degrees in November and we have had several tornado warnings already. The Arctic is also melting right before My eyes.”

“I could go on for hours. Who was that horse’s ass who claimed on Facebook that the Onion ‘Abortionplex’ was real?”

“Rather than ramble because since I am God I can go on forever, perhaps others can share some insane comments people have made during elections. I have one more local one. (Shit like this only happens in Paducah) I won’t name the guy, because I worked on his election for District Court judge, but literally as I was placing signs in the middle of nowhere at the edge of the county, urging voters to vote for him (I will not name him here, but he was popular) here are the words that came forth from his mouth: “Kill a cop, shoot a cop, vote for ____ _____.”



US Senate hopeful from Missouri Todd Akin has walked back his comment and apologized for not being more clear. What he actually meant to say is explained in this article titled, I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’.

What he meant to say about legitimate rape is as follows:

It is clear to me now that I did not choose my words with care and did not get across the point I was trying to convey. In hindsight, I guess instead of using the words “legitimate rape,” I should have used the words “I am an unforgivable, unrepentant, and unconscionable subhuman dickhead.” Or better yet, “I am an evil, fucked-up man who should never have been elected to the United States Congress, and anyone who would vote for me is probably a pretty big fucking dumbshit, too.”

His clarification takes the focus off women who have magical chemicals in their bodies to deal with rapes that they secretly enjoyed anyway, and firmly redirects the spotlight onto what an egregious scumbucket Akin is. Since there is often such great and unfortunate misunderstanding about what politicians actually said and what they in reality meant to say, and emphasizing that it is way more important for voters to understand meaning versus the confusing statements uttered, Akin goes to great lengths to clarify his true meaning and intent by further stating:

But if you actually go back and look at the remarks closely, you’ll see that what I was actually trying to convey in my statement was that

(1) I am a big fucking idiot,

(2) I am a nauseating slug of a human being who doesn’t deserve to live, and

(3) I am essentially everything that’s wrong with this country and with humanity in general.

Honestly, that’s all I was trying to get across there. It was a simple misunderstanding, really.

It’s funny, because, in my head, I remember thinking very vividly, “I, Rep. Todd Akin, am a bigoted jackass…

Akin laments that statements made to the press can “come back to haunt you in a hurry.” His clarification and apology will set the record straight so he can proceed with his campaign for a seat in the US Senate. He has decided, however, to keep some of his other beliefs secret, because the statement about legitimate rape and magical female body chemicals was so grossly misunderstood, and it takes precious time and effort to clear things up. He will not be commenting, therefore on his other beliefs about little green men on the lawn, fairies and goblins, sock demons, one-eyed giant purple people eaters, Martian ray guns, or flying noodle monsters with scales.

To prevent anything that can be grossly mistaken like the legitimate rape statement from happening again, Akin goes the extra mile and suggests:

somebody should apply dozens of layers of duct tape to my mouth every morning so that words are not able to exit my large, dumb, misogynist, imbecilic mouth at any point;…

For further reading the article is here.

Purple Toad Hotel

Posted: April 16, 2012 in satire, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Kiss a Toad!
Image by Kristal Kraft is called Kiss a Toad, and is under creative commons/noncommercial/attribution on flickr.

Purple Toad Hotel is a satire.

Purple Toad Hotel

John the Anchor: This just in, our web creeper has discovered a site called Purple Toad Hotel, where bloggers and readers have abandoned all manner of acceptable human behavior, and have decided instead to simply start telling the god-awful truth to each other. Alex?

Alex: Thanks, John. It is truly horrific to watch. Cold hard truths are being slung back and forth at an alarming rate, like nothing I have ever seen before. It is as if these people think they have some kind of a license, or something, to tell each other how they really, really, really feel. We have seen a few what you might call diplomats, you know, people without stone one, the negotiator types come in and try to put a stop to all the raw truths flying around, but they are just too massively weak for this heavy stuff. It all started when a discussion over fairy tales started out amicable, with typical exchanges of dishonest pablum and heaped bullshit that you see on the internet every day, but then took an ugly turn for the truthful.

John: We can’t have that.

Alex: No, we can’t. Here’s a clip from early in the fairy tale thread, where everybody was being nice and chummy even as they were lying through their teeth to each other. At this point, they even had a moderator, but they didn’t need it really because there was so little risk that someone might slip up and tell the truth:

6. @RantOnARoll to WorldsAuthority
Hey World. Nice seeing you again. How are the kids?

7. @WorldsAuthority to RantOnARoll comment 6 (see text)
The only thing that would be better is if you were here to share this lovely day with, Rant. Can’t wait to see your next post, bro. I know you’re the go-to on that Three Pigs story. Go Get ’em.

Alex:What we don’t know at this point is, how it all got started exactly. Our cyber experts tell us that exchange of truthful feelings is so rare that there have been no formal studies. This thread picked up steam once it got started though, and has cut an astonishing path of truthful, hurtful digs across a multiple bandwidths. Here’s a clip later on in the thread where the awful truths started spilling out. Experts believe this may have been very near to the beginning of the truths.

75. @RantOnARoll in reply to WorldsAuthority comment 62 (see text)
Eat my balls. There. I said it. I’ve always really really wanted to say that, World. You know just enough little things about a lot of subjects, so you’re not a World Authority at all are you?

76. @World’sAuthority in reply to RantOnARoll comment 75 (see text)
I don’t know why I even bother with you, you and your rants, you and your rolls, you and your whine. Goldilocks wasn’t a goddamn burglar. You wouldn’t know that though because you never read anything. You never read because you’re drunk all the time. There. I said it. I’ve always really wanted to say that.

77. @HungryTroll
The kittens never lost their mittens. The sadistic mother took them. Everyone knows that.

78. @IHaveAGreatBigHarley in reply to Hungry Troll comment 76 (see text)
Honestly. I like you here. I like you because you are the most pathetic troll I have ever seen in my life. You can’t troll your way out of a bag, can you? No, and I like that because it makes me feel kinda good, trip-trapping on your bridge so that other people can see my spectacular put-downs. That is the truth. I have never been this honest in all my life.

79. @BigJohnson in reply to IHaveAGreatBigHarley comment 78 (see text)
It’s okay to ride bitch if you’ve got a Big Johnson. There. I said it.

80. @IHaveAGreatBigHarley in reply to @BigJohnson comment 79 (see text)
Good. Then I’ll say this. I have never in my life read through any complete post that you have ever written. Even though I comment, I swear, I can’t get through your posts. Why? Because I never have the slightest clue what you are actually talking about. I hate your overwritten witty shit, Big. Fuck you. There. God, I feel so much better. I have wanted to say that for years. And quit saying the word toadbagger. It is offensive. Oh man, does it ever feel good telling the truth. Why have we waited so long?

John the Anchor: Is there any indication that there might be an end in sight to this truth marathon?

Alex: Well, as far as we can tell, this truth free-for-all at Purple Toad Hotel could go on for quite a while. There were reports this afternoon of some attempts at moderation to bring this thread back to a normal, dishonest comfort zone typical of all the other normal, dishonest blog sites. We heard back through a direct tweet from someone who calls herself NiceUntilNow, and the tweet said quote, Blow it out your ass, dickheads.

John the Anchor: I guess that means there is at least the possibility that the Purple Toad Hotel might break new ground on the internet by doing away with all the formalities and just telling the truth. Stay tuned for updates.

“This Is My Home” An apartment that is mistaken for a vintage shop:

Full HD High Speed Movie – Eagleowl – Photron SA2

I will write again in a few days, but I will check in and post interesting stuff or funny stuff, if I can find it. Here is some satire:

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama’s Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation