Todd Akin Apologizes

Posted: August 21, 2012 in satire
Tags: , , , ,

US Senate hopeful from Missouri Todd Akin has walked back his comment and apologized for not being more clear. What he actually meant to say is explained in this article titled, I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’.

What he meant to say about legitimate rape is as follows:

It is clear to me now that I did not choose my words with care and did not get across the point I was trying to convey. In hindsight, I guess instead of using the words “legitimate rape,” I should have used the words “I am an unforgivable, unrepentant, and unconscionable subhuman dickhead.” Or better yet, “I am an evil, fucked-up man who should never have been elected to the United States Congress, and anyone who would vote for me is probably a pretty big fucking dumbshit, too.”

His clarification takes the focus off women who have magical chemicals in their bodies to deal with rapes that they secretly enjoyed anyway, and firmly redirects the spotlight onto what an egregious scumbucket Akin is. Since there is often such great and unfortunate misunderstanding about what politicians actually said and what they in reality meant to say, and emphasizing that it is way more important for voters to understand meaning versus the confusing statements uttered, Akin goes to great lengths to clarify his true meaning and intent by further stating:

But if you actually go back and look at the remarks closely, you’ll see that what I was actually trying to convey in my statement was that

(1) I am a big fucking idiot,

(2) I am a nauseating slug of a human being who doesn’t deserve to live, and

(3) I am essentially everything that’s wrong with this country and with humanity in general.

Honestly, that’s all I was trying to get across there. It was a simple misunderstanding, really.

It’s funny, because, in my head, I remember thinking very vividly, “I, Rep. Todd Akin, am a bigoted jackass…

Akin laments that statements made to the press can “come back to haunt you in a hurry.” His clarification and apology will set the record straight so he can proceed with his campaign for a seat in the US Senate. He has decided, however, to keep some of his other beliefs secret, because the statement about legitimate rape and magical female body chemicals was so grossly misunderstood, and it takes precious time and effort to clear things up. He will not be commenting, therefore on his other beliefs about little green men on the lawn, fairies and goblins, sock demons, one-eyed giant purple people eaters, Martian ray guns, or flying noodle monsters with scales.

To prevent anything that can be grossly mistaken like the legitimate rape statement from happening again, Akin goes the extra mile and suggests:

somebody should apply dozens of layers of duct tape to my mouth every morning so that words are not able to exit my large, dumb, misogynist, imbecilic mouth at any point;…

For further reading the article is here.

  1. La Luna says:

    I said, “Akin”. He said, “Hmmm….that name strikes a bell.” I became impatient: “What are you talking about?!?”, I said. My husband then brought out his yearbook, and realized Akin was, indeed, in his fraternity, though several years younger.
    It was surprising to me that this moron, this imbecile, Akin, would have made my Monday and could decidedly sway me as far away from his party as I can run by his shocking remarks….and that is an even greater distance than I ran when I first heard Paul Ryan detail his “PLAN”, and observed his steely affect.
    It is OWS vs The Tea Party – the 99 vs the 1% who live only to preserve their wealth. The imbalance is seen in the extremes.
    Now this….the clod who imbues his own magic on the biology of conception.
    Politicians are the very reason I love dogs, when I once loved people and dogs.
    What a fun election cycle! Not.

    • Crazy, isn’t it? I cannot imagine what this man was thinking when those words came out of his mouth.

      Interesting that there is an old connection, and amazing how people can change over time. I often wonder if some of these politicians even believe what they are saying or if they are responding to the political climate in a business-savvy manner. I do not know. He may be a nice man for all I know, but I think he may lose voters over this.

    • Whoa. Wow, bookmarked, thank you. I may do an article on this for the Lake, as I sometimes talk about some of this stuff from a layperson’s viewpoint. I know Gregg Levine is the go-to over there on what is happening with San Onofre and he sometimes talks about Fukushima, but I will have a look and see if something else may be interesting. Thank you Ed! Much appreciated.

  2. ed nelson says:

    LIke I know and you’all do too, we should not try folks in the media, but tell you what!

    That guy is about the homleist, ugliest bastard! I ever sawr, and the kid that lost his little life, and fambly that lost their loved one… I am not happy about that shit! Just look at those two… and tell me that Travon wasn’t much better looking and a cleaner better looking human being than the ugliest ashole that was…. !!

    And even in these days… get a grip dude!! the ugly shouldn’t be in charge!!

    To Witt: The Satanic forces lead by certain organizations, eg., both captive political parties… these entities are always at work to kill all human life.

    You have a “star wars type deal” It is real and it is for life or death, but the thing will always… recycle, nomatter if the devils get the upper hand some times…

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