In Rare Interview, God Reacts to Bullshit People Say to Lose Elections

Posted: November 7, 2012 in politics
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Christmas 2005: Theotokos Eleousa

Taking a few rare moments to comment on the election, God Almighty quipped, “At first I thought it was just a rare election-cycle occurrence when asinine misogynist Todd Akin, who lost the Missouri Senate race to Clair McCaskill,” said,”

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Maybe Akin got ahold of some bad weed, I thought to myself.

“But then there was another, more egregious comment if that is even possible, when Mitt Romney, apparently unaware that the whole gazillion-dollar-a-plate dinner was being taped while most of America scraped cat hairs off food that they had dropped on the floor, Mitt Romney said, …”that 47 percent of Americans are dependent on government” and see themselves as “victims.”

” I called my Son and asked about the 47-percent-sure-to-lose-the-election comment: “I do say, my dear chap, I find this hard to believe.” And He said, “Aren’t those the same 47 of people in combat, the young, the old, the sick, and the people who paid more into social security that You or I have ever contributed together since Time began.” “Yup,” replied God. “Then, when Romney said something about killing the protected birds the likes of the Decorah Eagles, paving the Saguaro Desert for a WalMart to abuse more workers, and, just in general fucking up and drilling in Federal parks without even a backward glance while doing away with the likes of the FDA so even more people can die of agonizing fungal injections and listeria-tainted bagged lettuce from a factory that contained the likes of rat hairs, that was it for Me. So, he lost.”

“Not that Obama is much better than Romney, but I did phone Satan last night to discuss placement for folks with such ideas, and he told me he’d already put out a “No Vacancy” sign in Hell because he doesn’t have the resources to deal with such things, so now I am stuck with evils, the lesser of these evils and the things they say and do. People who ‘oops-shit’ and ‘America-fuck-yeah’ blow up wedding parties for no reason at all, by the way, are the lesser of two evils, believe it or not,” continued God, now on a roll. “Lesser or greater of evil or not, both presidential candidates seemed unconcerned with Hell because of, in My view anyway, their collective want to create Hell right here on Earth,” said God, now with tears in his eyes. He added, “The very Earth I created, to be cherished and respected and not no be turned into a fucking war-torn garbage heap.”

“And then…and then..” God, continued, red-faced and now pounding his fist on his Heavenly Table, said, “there’s this Mourdock freek, who lost in Indiana, if you don’t mind, said, and I quote, “After all, Mary was raped, so all rape is God’s will.”

” Then there was that grotesque miscreation Inhofe, who, balls-to-the-wall denies climate change while standing under (I swear) melting street lamps. Oh, no, there’s no global warming. It’s 80 degrees in November and we have had several tornado warnings already. The Arctic is also melting right before My eyes.”

“I could go on for hours. Who was that horse’s ass who claimed on Facebook that the Onion ‘Abortionplex’ was real?”

“Rather than ramble because since I am God I can go on forever, perhaps others can share some insane comments people have made during elections. I have one more local one. (Shit like this only happens in Paducah) I won’t name the guy, because I worked on his election for District Court judge, but literally as I was placing signs in the middle of nowhere at the edge of the county, urging voters to vote for him (I will not name him here, but he was popular) here are the words that came forth from his mouth: “Kill a cop, shoot a cop, vote for ____ _____.”

  1. ed nelson says:

    Great piece Crane Station, I liked the God talks, (if only he/she would… ) idea,) and it reminded me of the funny Jim Cary movie: “Bruce Almighty”.

    That is in the the genre of… satire, I think.

    Well, I guess the election results sort of reveal some vestiges of core beliefs yet remaining in the population, in American values, because it could have been more of a rout by the lost souls of the Tea party moronics, but the systemic stuff, isn’t too reasuring, never has it been plainer: ”You will get what… ‘ they pay for'””!

  2. ed nelson says:

    I think you have a lot of talent and the blog will pick up, a lot of people like you and you are working it good, in a good way, cause, I agree with all of your comments usually, and the balance and proportion of them: (IE: when to kick em and when to lighten up… WTF.) Most of comments, from the various bloggs’ peanut galleries, seem to me to be… paltry… cheap shots.

    IE: like the little tiny little correction I got from my comment from… “Phred: when I said: “Lobsters might be adversely effected from BP’s blowout, cause I said: Lobster’ start their life as…[phytoplankton]… (should have been: zo-o-plankton.): Distinction: Vegetable or Mineral…”.)

    IMO, useful dilletant house person… “Phred came back with a terse little: “Lobster spawn are not phytoplankton”. Well so it’s a brainfart/typo. But why not be a wee bit magnanimous and offer up the fact that he/she may possess, and many will not, and say: Lobsters go through stages of development, beginning in warmer waters, including the Gulf of Mexico as tiny zooplankton where they grow and are transported by the currents far and wide into the North Atlantic, even to far northern latitudes, like Norge… OSV… and edify for not much extry cost?

    Point of this is pretty f’n obscure no doubt as I was looking things up today, and no mention that I could find of the thing I read on a sign in the Bergen Aquarium, stating, that there are lobsters in Norway and North Sea, that have been brought in by the Gulf Stream current, and were the spawn of the Gulf region, as the water of the North Sea is too cold for procreation to occure there.

    Give every dog its doo, or WTF, the Norwegians know their fish! So I believe whatever I did read at the Bergen Aquarium, about it’s f’n resident contingent lobstrays.

    I like the satirical style a lot: Mark Twain… anybody?… Gore was IT for these times. Hope to unearth some more soon…. Know what ah means?

    Not saying: No… because non fiction can be damned good, if written by a person of some prose skill, otherwise, forgetaboutit.

    I was thinking for a few minutes lately while walking home, about some author, that I seem to think wrote in the 1920’s, short stories on the theme of the plight of small shop owners, it was one I got from a reading stint I went on, but can’t remember him… I think it was in an index of an indexed book, one of the little keys I have to get into things is that, good writers clue you in on a whole raft of others, and you are really getting a colleege course when you foller it!

    Well that’s all folks…

    good luck with all that


    • Wait, here it is, I think I may have missed this comment earlier, but it is here and it is glorious. Sometimes what I love about satire is that one can just pretty much be buck-wild at poking ridicule at a flawed person or system, so that is what I did here with God talking.

  3. ed nelson says:

    I had just lately composed a pretty good sized letter to you, but my computor swallowed it up, I don’t have any idea how that happens, I can’t bring those words that I wrote back.

    I was saying a few things, and it just disapeared.

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